One thing I love about living in Saskatoon is the river. There is something soothing about watching it flow, listening to the birds and marveling at the never ending cycle. But then you reach the weir. This is where it all comes crashing in. You go from the peaceful flow to a crashing cacophony of noise. All of the undertows and currents come bubbling to the surface.
Today, I walked home from the University and crossed the river on the railroad bridge. About halfway across, I had to stop. Something about the way the river was rushing over the edge struck a cord in my soul. Although most of the water was rushing in a rather steady manner, right in the very middle was a spot where it was bubbling up, making a little crest of water above the rest. As Ray LaMontange played on my iPod, I had to stare. The crest of water seemed like it was screaming at me. It was saying "Something isn't right under here." As it came bubbling over, I realised that it was reflecting my life at the moment.
On the surface, things are flowing along nicely. I've got a great semester ahead of me, lots of friends, a wonderful boyfriend to hold my hand, and a definite plan and direction for my life. But under the surface there are a lot of currents tugging and undertows threatening to pull me down. I've faced a lot of disappointment and hurt in the week. I didn't make Greystone Singers. I felt like my audition went alright, but it wasn't meant to be. I didn't get a very big part in Pride and Prejudice. Again, I felt like my audition went pretty well, but it seems it also wasn't meant to be. And I inadvertently caused a fight by saying some things that I probs could have kept to myself. And the pain of insult stings. Needless to say, these 3 situations have brought a lot of emotions and memories to the surface that I thought I had dealt with. Reminiscences of memories from my past that I don't really like to think about. Regrets and heartache.
So like the weir, the natural progression and flow of my life has been interrupted by these memories. The emotions that come along with them are bubbling up in my soul, the crest of water above the weir. Something isn't right under the surface.
It's not a comfortable feeling.
~Jessica
Don't worry too much about the auditions; there are a lot of talented people in this city, especially at the University. Don't let these little disappointments discourage you from doing what you love. Audition again next year; try for another choir, or another play.
ReplyDeleteFights happen. I did something similar earlier this year; I said some not-so-nice things in a very public way when I could've been a lot more discreet, or not said anything at all. I didn't intend to cause trouble anymore than you did. The important thing is to make peace, apologize, forgive, and keep going.
Remember to talk to people. Let friends, family, somebody know when you're feeling blue. It helps, and you have more support than you realize.