Bubbling Over

One thing I love about living in Saskatoon is the river. There is something soothing about watching it flow, listening to the birds and marveling at the never ending cycle. But then you reach the weir. This is where it all comes crashing in. You go from the peaceful flow to a crashing cacophony of noise. All of the undertows and currents come bubbling to the surface.
Today, I walked home from the University and crossed the river on the railroad bridge. About halfway across, I had to stop. Something about the way the river was rushing over the edge struck a cord in my soul. Although most of the water was rushing in a rather steady manner, right in the very middle was a spot where it was bubbling up, making a little crest of water above the rest. As Ray LaMontange played on my iPod, I had to stare. The crest of water seemed like it was screaming at me. It was saying "Something isn't right under here." As it came bubbling over, I realised that it was reflecting my life at the moment.
On the surface, things are flowing along nicely. I've got a great semester ahead of me, lots of friends, a wonderful boyfriend to hold my hand, and a definite plan and direction for my life. But under the surface there are a lot of currents tugging and undertows threatening to pull me down. I've faced a lot of disappointment and hurt in the week. I didn't make Greystone Singers. I felt like my audition went alright, but it wasn't meant to be. I didn't get a very big part in Pride and Prejudice. Again, I felt like my audition went pretty well, but it seems it also wasn't meant to be. And I inadvertently caused a fight by saying some things that I probs could have kept to myself. And the pain of insult stings. Needless to say, these 3 situations have brought a lot of emotions and memories to the surface that I thought I had dealt with. Reminiscences of memories from my past that I don't really like to think about. Regrets and heartache.
So like the weir, the natural progression and flow of my life has been interrupted by these memories. The emotions that come along with them are bubbling up in my soul, the crest of water above the weir. Something isn't right under the surface.
It's not a comfortable feeling.
~Jessica

nervousness

Wow. It's been a while since I posted. Dang. Hopefully I'll get better at that in the coming weeks!
So Michelle and I officially live together now. We have been in our lovely basement suite-type-thing together for about a week and a half. And it's awesome! My grandparents are upstairs and are amazing. They keep offering to buy us things and feed us and it's lovely. I like them a lot.
Michelle and I don't see each other an overwhelming ammount. She works in the evenings, and I'm usually in bed by the time she gets home. But she doesn't work today! Or tomorrow! So roomie bonding shall occur :)
But onto the real intent behind this post. I mean, updates on our lives are interesting, but I have other thoughts to get out.
I auditioned for the Greystone Singers yesterday. That's the auditioned choir at the UofS. And man oh man, was I ever nervous. And I couldn't figure out why. I've done lots of choir auditions in the past. Two every year in high school. One in the fall for choir and then again before Christmas for Tour Choir. Plus the singing tests so I could actually get a credit for choir. So I've done this lots of times. But yesterday was somehow different.
I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that Gerald (the director) had never heard me sing before. And the fact that it's been 2 years since I last sang in a choir. (Side note- 2 years! That means this is my 3rd year out of high school. Crazy! I feel old..) So I was a little rusty. And then there was the fact that my bf decided to hang around outside the door and listen. I am grateful for his support, but I was ridiculously nervous. I'm glad I didn't know he was there until I walked out.
But the feeling of my stomach turning in knots was weird for me. I'm usually a pretty confident person. I know I'm not the best singer or actor out there, but I just try to be myself in an audition and usually end up in the middle of the pack somewhere. Which I am fine with. As long as I can perform, I'm happy. But nerves are weird.
So I will find out today if I made the choir or not. I think I'm even more nervous to check that list than anything else. I don't like disappointment. But I'll let you know how it turns out!
So until then, have a stellar day. Keep smiling :)
~Jessica

Seatbelts

How many times have you put a seat belt on in your life? Probably too many times to count. How many times have you thought about the importance of it? Probably not enough times. As of very recently, I have thought about it a lot.
2 weeks ago, the week-end of June 10-13, I was in Saskatoon, visiting the boyfriend (and who ever else I managed to squeeze in!). I had a great week-end! Now when I head home from Saskatoon, I have 2 options. 1: stick to the paved roads and come home through Moose Jaw. 2: turn off the highway at Craik and take the back roads, cutting a good 20, 25 minutes off of my travel time. So if it hasn't been raining (or snowing), I generally take the back roads. This is what I did on Sunday, June 13.
This plan worked out well for the first portion of my drive. Then I got to the last stretch before Caron. And the road was awful! I immediately slowed down some as the gravel was really thick, and must have been recently graded. But apparently this wasn't enough. I caught some gravel funny, started swerving and hit the ditch. Then my car started to roll, the air bag went off and all I can remember is thinking "Oh My Goodness! God, keep me safe!"
I don't know how many times I rolled, as I wasn't really counting. But my car landed upright and I was able to get out and call my brother and sister-in-law to come get me. I'm pretty sure every farmer who passed by in the next half hour or so stopped to make sure I was OK. And most of them made some comment about the road being awful and it being just a matter of time before someone hit the ditch because of it. That didn't really make me feel any better, but it did make me appreciate the small town mentality quite a lot!
Well the moral of my story comes down to this: WEAR YOUR SEAT BELT! Yes, my car is totaled. But my body was not. I had bruises on my knees from the steering wheel, bruises on the inside of my arms from the air bag and a scrape on my shoulder from my seat belt. I didn't get a concussion or have whiplash. And I can truthfully say that my seat belt saved me. That, and the grace of God. There were a ton of things in my car that could have become projectiles and hurt me (like my metal water bottle, or my cell phone, or my CD case). My windshield could have shattered and cut me. The roof of my car could have caved and trapped me in my car. But none of those things happened.
So the next time you get into your car, put on your seat belt, even if you are only driving down the block. You never know what could happen. I was 5 minutes from home when I hit the ditch. Seat belts save lives. This I know. So think about it and be very thankful for them!
~ Jessica

SUMMER!

Summer is here! Well kind of. It was 28 degrees today. So I feel like summer has arrived. And with it come nights of bonfires and not needing to wear pants. Supper on the back deck, complete with steak and baked potatoes. Ice cream breaks in the middle of the day. Week-ends at the lake, spent with good friends and sangria. Getting a tan while I wash my car. Going for walks down dirt roads to look at the stars. Going to Edmonton for a U2 concert (that's just this summer though). Sleeping with no covers on. Having water fights with the kids at VBS. Naps in the shade of a tree. Bonfires and sunsets at GTBC. Late nights and sleeping in. Dancing in a summer rain storm.

Those are some of my favorite things about summer. Do you have fave summer time activities?
~Jessica

Moving

So we haven't updated for a while. I guess that's what happens when finals hit. But I'm done now, so the blog will become a little more regular. Hopefully...

I'm in the process of packing my room and the process is feeling very bittersweet. On the one hand, I am very excited to be moving home for the summer. I start my job (that I LOVE!) on Monday. My new niece (who is adorable, might I just say) will be living a mere 5 minutes away. My mom will be cooking yummy food for me. I don't have to pay rent. The place that I am living will actually be clean and there will be no mildew growing in my washroom. I will get to spend time relaxing, watching movies, going to the lake, hanging with my bestie, reading books that I actually want to read.

But once I leave my dorm on Wednesday, I won't be coming back. I'm moving on to a house. My grandparents basement, really. But a house nonetheless. Don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to being more independent, and cooking for myself and actually having space that is mine, bigger than my 12x12 dorm room. What I'm not looking forward to is not having my closest friends in the room next to me. Not having a building full of 50 people, one of whom is sure to want to come to the movies with me. Not being able to having singing parties after supper. Not having at least one other person who is in your class to help you study. Not having someone to give me a hug and listen to me complain after I've had a hard day. Although I'm kind of introverted, I've gotten used to the people and the noise and the random escapades. It's comfortable and I will definitely miss it. Add in the fact that I will be 2 hours away from my boyfriend all summer, and you can see why I am feeling down.

Growing up is a funny thing. I've loved my 2 years living in a dorm. It totally helped me make friends, close friends. These people have totally become my family. I share everything with them and I am sad to be leaving them behind. But I know that I can't stay here forever. It would be nice to just stay in the same place forever. I like it. But growing up means accepting the changes and moving forward, maturing and learning new lessons. I'm trying to be positive about the change but it's hard not to cry as I put clothes in boxes. It's hard to stop feeling like I want to hide under the covers and stay there until it gets better, like when I was 5. But I will do my best. It doesn't mean that I won't cry when I leave. It doesn't mean that I won't cry when I close the door to my room for the last time. It doesn't mean that I won't be lonely next fall. But it does mean that I will look back on these 2 years in Ogle with a smile. I will look at all of the pictures and laugh. It means that these 2 years have shaped me and molded me into the person that I am as I walk out those doors for the last time. And it definitely means that I will come back and visit next year and shake my head at the naivety of the first years. So growing up and moving on isn't all bad. It's just different.

~Jessica

Studying Woes

Its finals time. That means studying is upon me. It also means that I am in super procrastination mode. In an effort to increase my productivity, I have decided to give up Facebook until I am done writing finals. I didn't realize how much time I actually spend on there. I go to type it into my browser several times an hour. It's a little ridiculous. So I'm hoping that these next 12 or so days without it will help break my excessive use of it. It feels strange not to know updates about my friends lives every 5 minutes. But I think I'm gonna like not being on there.
Now back to studying.. Though I really want to go on Facebook and but this blog update in my status. But I will refrain.

~Jessica

Term Paper Blues

This semester, I have to write a paper that is worth 30% of my mark. That is the same as my final in this English class. And I know that my professor is expecting a lot out of us. I also know that I am not exactly on the right track. You see, I handed in my proposal last week and got it back on Monday. I achieved a whopping 1.5/3 on it. Apparently, I am not doing so well in that area.
Mind you, this was the first proposal I had written and I didn't complete all the requirements. I was lacking a source because I couldn't find one. I know that's a lame excuse, but you try finding an academic journal article about a poet that actually deals with a poem that you want to write about! It's a challenge. I do not appreciate it!
So I am meeting with my prof tomorrow. She is very willing to give me some guidance in this area. Apparently my thesis statement was lacking direction. I believe that this is the first time I am meeting with a professor to discuss a paper. I'm rather good at writing papers, thus the English major thing. So it's not something that I have done before. I don't know what to expect. I'm assuming that I should go in there with some ideas and make it look like I have put some effort into this paper. But I don't want to. This term paper scares me. I know it shouldn't.. I will have to write 4 more next year when I continue taking 300 level English courses. But I still don't like it. Does that make me a scaredy-cat?

Obesity Epidemic

I am currently in Minot, ND on a shopping trip with my mother, grandmother and sister-in-law's. It has been thoroughly enjoyable so far.. Except for the disturbing trend I noticed at supper tonight.
We went out to Applebee's for supper. It was really tasty and we quite enjoyed ourselves. Except the amount of food we received was slightly excessive. We each got a meal and also had 2 appetizers. When we got our appetizers, we realized that these pre-dinner treats were actually large enough to satisfy us as a meal. And the meals we got were massive. Chelsea and Steph both got chicken fingers and fries. Usually, you would get 4 chicken fingers and a good portion of fries. But they got 6 chicken fingers and more fries than a person could normally eat. This excessive portion size was reflected in the other 3 meals we consumed. I left that restaurant feeling very, very full.
This large portion size isn't just a trend at Applebee's. Everywhere we go, everywhere we get food, portions are huge. You always receive more food than you can actually eat. I would have to say that this is one of the main reasons that our society is experiencing an obesity epidemic. So often, we eat on the run or don't have the time to cook at home. The portions we get at a restaurant are much too big. We feel like we should eat all of what we are given, but this shouldn't be the case. If we didn't feel obligated to eat so much at restaurants, I bet our obesity rates would be diminished. Think about it..

~ Jessica

Switch on.. Switch off

I am of the opinion that sex should wait until marriage. But having a boyfriend makes that waiting a lot more difficult. Upon reflection, we decided that having an on/off switch for your sex drive would be very useful. I mean, imagine if there was this switch that could be turned on when you get married. Before that point, you would just make out and then be satisfied. Upon getting a ring on your finger, you would all of a sudden be up for much more. This may seem archaic to those of you who are just waiting for "the one" with or without a ring. But for me, I'm wishing that there was a switch. Things would be a lot easier..

~ Jessica

Skin Deep?

So have you ever glanced over and been a little scared of the person you find in your view? It's happened to me before. I mean, not everyone is going to be appealing to you at first. Some people don't have the best style. They may look a little odd. Sometimes they need just a little fashion advice. So you avoid them for as long as possible. You are scared that their outward appearance somehow reflects the person on the inside and you don't want to look any deeper.

I've done this a lot in my past. I'll admit it. I tend to be a little shallow. But as I have become more comfortable in my own skin, I find that I can hang out with those people who are a little odd and not be ashamed by it.

For example, I have a friend who recently began dating a boy who, at first glance, was a little intimidating. He was quirky and a bit of a hippie. Not the kind of guy I would normally hang out with, but my friend really likes him. So I gave him a chance, talked to him a couple times. And do you know what I realized? He was a really nice guy! And he suited my friend quite well. Imagine what would have happened if I had brushed him aside because he wasn't the kind of person I normally associated with.. I would never have realized what a nice guy he was. I've heard him referred to as "a loser" but that is def not the case!

Now I'm not saying that because of this one example, I am perfect. But I am saying that I have begun to learn that a person's character is not always reflected in their appearance. So I am fine associating with the "losers" of the bunch, to an extent. There are still some people who lack social skills that I have a really hard time hanging out with. You can only do so much. But I am willing to give people the benefit of the doubt. You never know what might happen if you do! You might find your best friend underneath that slightly odd exterior.

~Jessica