Bubbling Over

One thing I love about living in Saskatoon is the river. There is something soothing about watching it flow, listening to the birds and marveling at the never ending cycle. But then you reach the weir. This is where it all comes crashing in. You go from the peaceful flow to a crashing cacophony of noise. All of the undertows and currents come bubbling to the surface.
Today, I walked home from the University and crossed the river on the railroad bridge. About halfway across, I had to stop. Something about the way the river was rushing over the edge struck a cord in my soul. Although most of the water was rushing in a rather steady manner, right in the very middle was a spot where it was bubbling up, making a little crest of water above the rest. As Ray LaMontange played on my iPod, I had to stare. The crest of water seemed like it was screaming at me. It was saying "Something isn't right under here." As it came bubbling over, I realised that it was reflecting my life at the moment.
On the surface, things are flowing along nicely. I've got a great semester ahead of me, lots of friends, a wonderful boyfriend to hold my hand, and a definite plan and direction for my life. But under the surface there are a lot of currents tugging and undertows threatening to pull me down. I've faced a lot of disappointment and hurt in the week. I didn't make Greystone Singers. I felt like my audition went alright, but it wasn't meant to be. I didn't get a very big part in Pride and Prejudice. Again, I felt like my audition went pretty well, but it seems it also wasn't meant to be. And I inadvertently caused a fight by saying some things that I probs could have kept to myself. And the pain of insult stings. Needless to say, these 3 situations have brought a lot of emotions and memories to the surface that I thought I had dealt with. Reminiscences of memories from my past that I don't really like to think about. Regrets and heartache.
So like the weir, the natural progression and flow of my life has been interrupted by these memories. The emotions that come along with them are bubbling up in my soul, the crest of water above the weir. Something isn't right under the surface.
It's not a comfortable feeling.
~Jessica

nervousness

Wow. It's been a while since I posted. Dang. Hopefully I'll get better at that in the coming weeks!
So Michelle and I officially live together now. We have been in our lovely basement suite-type-thing together for about a week and a half. And it's awesome! My grandparents are upstairs and are amazing. They keep offering to buy us things and feed us and it's lovely. I like them a lot.
Michelle and I don't see each other an overwhelming ammount. She works in the evenings, and I'm usually in bed by the time she gets home. But she doesn't work today! Or tomorrow! So roomie bonding shall occur :)
But onto the real intent behind this post. I mean, updates on our lives are interesting, but I have other thoughts to get out.
I auditioned for the Greystone Singers yesterday. That's the auditioned choir at the UofS. And man oh man, was I ever nervous. And I couldn't figure out why. I've done lots of choir auditions in the past. Two every year in high school. One in the fall for choir and then again before Christmas for Tour Choir. Plus the singing tests so I could actually get a credit for choir. So I've done this lots of times. But yesterday was somehow different.
I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that Gerald (the director) had never heard me sing before. And the fact that it's been 2 years since I last sang in a choir. (Side note- 2 years! That means this is my 3rd year out of high school. Crazy! I feel old..) So I was a little rusty. And then there was the fact that my bf decided to hang around outside the door and listen. I am grateful for his support, but I was ridiculously nervous. I'm glad I didn't know he was there until I walked out.
But the feeling of my stomach turning in knots was weird for me. I'm usually a pretty confident person. I know I'm not the best singer or actor out there, but I just try to be myself in an audition and usually end up in the middle of the pack somewhere. Which I am fine with. As long as I can perform, I'm happy. But nerves are weird.
So I will find out today if I made the choir or not. I think I'm even more nervous to check that list than anything else. I don't like disappointment. But I'll let you know how it turns out!
So until then, have a stellar day. Keep smiling :)
~Jessica